I was reading Van Der Leun’s American Digest blog, and realized that, at sometime in his life, he has definitely been ordered to write an apology. The man has a far better way with words than I – just look at these phrases, from an article titled My Boilerplate Apology to Demented Americans I have Offended, Am Offending, or Will Offend:
“I am sorry, as always, for what I said. It was thoughtless and rude. It wasn’t really what I meant or felt in my heart. Many have taken my remarks to mean other than what I said. So true. Even I meant them to mean other than what they meant when I said them.
Well, the damage is done and I can’t undo the past.
All I can do is stand here strapped in the pillory of the present as all those whom I have so wrongly and without malice slandered cry like the little girly men they are; yes, even the girls. Their pain is now my pain. I cringe to see them writhe in agony. I regret the raw wounds I ripped open by harsh and ill-considered remarks. +Mean Words. I shudder as my victims are mentally keel-hauled through ten linear feet of salt mixed into a horse trough of vinegar. I know that’s gotta smart.
I feel really bad about this. I feel even worse that I, through my abject failure to realize how deeply the dull hatchet of my speech would chop into them — even, yea, down to the living blue-veined bone — that I simply stood by and allowed the searing acid of my senseless scorn to pour without limit into their raw and festering souls. I am, as I said, deeply sorry — and feel bad beside.
Also, should the forensics prove unhelpful to my case, I would like to say for the record, that I did not know the gun was loaded.”
I mean, when I was ordered to apologize, all I came up with was a bunch of variants on the theme “Dear Bob: I’m sorry you’re an ass.” Van Der Leun is so much more creative.
This article is available to subscribers only – but the subscription can be free. Frankly, phrases like
“To these wounded souls I offer, in deep and abject humility — since I am, because I spoke those hurtful, hurtful words, lower than a cockroach’s stool stuck to the bottom of a homeless hermit’s shabby sandal in the storm drains of Las Vegas — I offer these tender buttons, these delicate little bunnies, my most sincere if unworthy apology.”
are worth the effort of clicking on.
Then you can read more comments like: “I am so wretched to have said the bad words to you. They may well have been true, but I forgot that your feelings, no matter how puerile, always trump the truth in this world. So I admit that even though they were true, my words were unworthy of me and hurtful to you. I see your raw suppurating feelings oozing to the top of your mind and erupting from your mouth wrapped around your screams. I shall carry that Polaroid with me for the rest of my days right next to the organ donor card in my wallet. Can I fill one out for you?”
Give Van Der Leun a read – he is a bit of a classic, and I doubt the world will see his like again.
Trego's Mountain Ear 