Yesterday she had me completely convinced.
Every sign in the dairy cow handbook seemed to be there. She was restless. Swishing her tail. Looking uncomfortable. Laying down… getting back up… staring off into the distance like she was contemplating life choices. She’d have what looked like a contraction, then shift around, and I’d think, “This is it. Tonight’s the night.”
So, like any responsible dairy cow owner…
I kissed sleep goodbye.
Every 30 minutes.
Out to the barn.
Sit with Blossom for 15 minutes.
Watch her.
Talk to her.
Stare at her rear end far more than I ever imagined I would in this lifetime.
Come back inside.
Set another alarm.
Close my eyes just long enough to start dreaming…
BEEP.
Back outside.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
All. Night. Long.
This continued until about five o’clock this morning.
By then, I looked like I had aged a decade overnight. My coffee wasn’t even touching the level of exhaustion I had reached.
And then…
I walked out to the barn this morning expecting to find a calf.
Instead, I found Blossom.
Not pushing.
Not in active labor.
Not even remotely concerned.
She’d have what looked like a contraction, shift her weight a little, and then immediately go right back to acting like she was on a spa retreat.
“Oh… was that a contraction?”
Crunch… crunch…
Back to eating hay.
“Oh… another one?”
Wanders over to the water tank.
Maybe scratches her side on the fence.
Chews her cud.
Looks at me.
Chews some more.
Meanwhile, I’m standing there looking like I haven’t slept since the last presidential administration.
I honestly think she’s doing this on purpose now.
I’m convinced there’s a little Guernsey committee meeting happening in her head.
Today’s agenda:
✔ Convince Amberli the calf is coming.
✔ Keep her checking every 30 minutes.
✔ Allow approximately three contractions every few hours just to maintain hope.
✔ Resume breakfast.
She has absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever.
Me? I’m pacing circles around the barn, second-guessing everything I know.
Blossom? She’s over there like, “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. Have you tried relaxing?”
Ma’am…
The only one who needs to relax is the one keeping me awake all night.
I’ve learned one very important lesson through all of this.
Nobody prepares you for the emotional manipulation of a pregnant dairy cow.
Books tell you how to recognize labor.
They do not prepare you for a cow who looks like she’s about to calve for twelve straight hours, has a couple contractions, then decides she’d rather have a leisurely breakfast and enjoy the scenery while her human slowly loses her mind.
So here I am…
Running on caffeine, hope, and approximately 47 minutes of sleep.
Blossom, on the other hand, appears to be having the most peaceful vacation of her life.
Whenever she decides she’s actually ready…
I’ll be here.
Probably with another cup of coffee.
And another alarm set for 30 minutes.
— © Amberli Emery
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